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  • Kamarreya

Considering current trending events, I’ve had nothing but time to sit and take it all in. I was frightened of Covid as most of the world was. I don’t have perfect health and I’ve been battling some breathing complications along with chronic bronchitis since Christmas, so it wasn’t a hard decision to isolate myself when Covid came. This has been the longest I’ve gone without working since I got my mom to sign a Minor's work permit freshman year. I was concerned about the money at first, but I soon found that was the least of my worries. New free time made me realize just how lost in myself I had become. the cough that I'd been battling with since Christmas had begun to slowly disappear as my 70+ hour work weeks transformed into much-needed rest and self-evaluation. pre-Covid I was set on hustling up every dollar to move from my Hollywood hills Apt, into a nice loft in DTLA. being confined to my seemingly unpleasant apt made me realize with time and preparation I could water my grass and live in a garden with not just my home, but my soul.

I hit the one-year mark of living in my home and had barely been living. I had been living the west coast dream, and not enjoying it at all. Just barely had I ventured Malibu or indulged in nighttime delights. My swimsuit was retired when it should be flaunted at a Hollywood rooftop. I had completely missed out on the glitz and glam of a magical city. My defeat was that of many; a focus on work and savings, that had barely allowed me the time to indulge.

My bed was a mattress on the bare floor. My pots and pans were old and scratch. My kitchen was a disgrace to any chef. My clothes were folded and thrust into scattered piles. My puppy was far too independent for my comfort. How had I gotten so used to this? Of all the things I’d been through in life, and the scars I bared from poverty. It was a shame that I had spent so little time on creating a home I could be proud of. It wasn’t the money that made me neglect my life’s duties; it was the time. I simply had made no time for myself, and losing time made me most anxious of all. It kept me up at night staring at the ceiling for hours. Coming from someone who has struggled with chronic insomnia, it’s tiring to find new things to contemplate in the stillness of the night.

I was tired. My body began catching up to the hardship of long work hours; my knees especially. With my newfound rest, I seemed more tired, and more irritable than when I was working. Perhaps my body was so used to the robotics of it all. I’m far too young to have bad knees and an over-exhausted mind. I needed change, I needed a break, in a way I guess I needed Covid more than I realized. Slowly I began to forge a new schedule. One that involved waking up before noon and eating breakfast. With my nightly schedules, I had become accustomed to sleeping the mornings away. Now I was taking long walks with my oversized pup. Stretching my aching knees and expanding my lungs. I walked around the neighborhood I never bothered to explore. I found new victories with soaring views. I gave myself time to dilute my cluttered thoughts with movement. I started drinking more water and nurturing my vessel.

My DIY projects expanded from finally building a bed frame, to building a new closet fit for a princess. I installed LED lights in my kitchen, I painted, and that’s just the minimal of how I spruced up my kingdom. I finally had the time to turn my house into a home. Every additive was a big step. Investing in proper pots and pans was everything to someone who had always turned to cheap alternatives to make do. I deserved a bright and vibrant ceramic set. I definitely deserved some thermal spot heat mastery. I even got myself some new sneakers; and you don’t want to know how long I’d been just wearing my much-appreciated work shoes.

In the daytime, I researched everything that piqued my interest. I started reading again; a love I long forgot. Then I started writing again; and what a rush. I’d forgotten how easily my hands could inscribe my anxious thoughts. Within a week I started noticing changes; and not just in my knees. My soul was beginning to glow in determination. I started cooking for myself and creating dishes that I was proud of. My hands had been so used to creating things with other 'less seasoned' opinions in mind. This was no way of living. Pre-Covid I had many internal battles with trying to please opinionated mouths that had little taste for art. I hadn’t realized till now how much that had crippled my expression. Now I was back to experimenting with my art; and it felt revitalizing.

It didn’t stop there. I needed more. Years ago, I had stumbled upon a mastermind named Eric Thomas. If you haven’t already listened to him, you’re going to want to check him out on YouTube. To start you out on the man’s genius, I put a video below. With all my free time now I decided to reinvest my time in some of his teachings. Something he told me stuck with me

“we want people to make guarantees to us, but we can’t make guarantees to ourselves” and he continued to say, “you need to tell you that YOU owe you something…”. I realized that I owed it to myself to be successful, to be healthy, and to be happy. In less than 8 minutes Eric Tomas made me realize that for so long I was making excuses for myself, and therefore hurting myself. This affected my mind, my health, and even my soul. Wasn’t I tired of that?

One good thing that came from Covid is that I realized I could never return to the life I was living. It wasn’t that I needed to reinvent myself; no. I had worked too hard to grow into what I am today. Instead, I needed to change my focus. This led me to invest in myself. To finish things I never had the time to. To explore the possibilities of focusing on my many talents. You’re on my website so you can see for yourself the time and energy I was finally able to put into creating something for myself. I kept a promise and I didn’t let myself down. Of course, I wasn’t alone. I had the support of someone very special to me; and of course, my pup was also there to keep me occupied when I needed to step away from my laptop.

There is a moral to this story other than listening to me ramble on about my realizations and epiphanies. I encourage anyone and everyone to walk away from this with a reminder. This wasn’t the 2012 end of the world Mayan prediction. This wasn’t the zombie apocalypse. This is a pandemic killer virus, that somehow in all the chaos allowed for change and self-evaluation. Do not drown yourself in an overflowing pool of repetitive defeat; living to work and working to eat. Don’t forget about your gifts. Take the time, especially now if you haven’t already. Invest the same time and energy in yourself as you do for that paycheck with a business that is not your own. It’s one thing to feel it, and to dream it. It's another to live it. Take another step forward, reach your hands out just a little bit more. Feel the sunlight beginning to hit your cheeks. Now keep going. Keep walking and keep fighting. Clear your mind and focus your energy. You deserve what you’ve fought so hard to earn, keep going. if you don’t come out of all this better than before, you would have wasted all that time. You owe it to yourself to be someone that YOU can believe in, and I’m here for it.


Qui n’avance pas, recule

He who does not move forward recedes

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